Today we have a blog post from Aubrey Staples, one of our dedicated family law attorneys at Law Elevated. She brilliantly guides clients through everything from complex divorces and custody matters to adoptions and surrogacy contracts. A graduate of the University of Wyoming College of Law, Aubrey brings thoughtful, personalized strategies to every case. During law school, she interned with Utah 3rd District Judge Holmberg and played a key role in shaping Utah’s Domestic Relations Special Master law.
If you’ve ever found yourself rereading a text, drafting the “perfect” response, or walking away from a conversation wondering how it escalated so quickly—you’re not alone. Communication is hard. Communication in the midst of conflict? Even harder.
That’s why I love the BIFF method.
Created by Bill Eddy, founder of the High Conflict Institute, the BIFF method is a simple but powerful communication tool that helps you respond to difficult or hostile messages in a way that keeps you calm, protects your boundaries, and lowers the temperature of the conversation.
BIFF stands for: Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm.
And yes, it’s exactly what it sounds like.
Whether you’re co-parenting with someone who regularly pushes your buttons or simply navigating a tense moment during a divorce, BIFF responses help you stay grounded and effective without getting pulled into the drama.
Why BIFF Matters
At Law Elevated, we support many parents who are doing the hard work of raising children while managing complicated relationships—sometimes with former partners, sometimes with extended family members, sometimes even within their own support systems.
And while not everyone is dealing with what we’d call a “high-conflict” person, everyone deals with high-conflict moments. That’s what makes BIFF so valuable—it’s a communication technique that works for anyone, in any heated or emotionally charged conversation.
Here’s what it can help you do:
- Reduce conflict and prevent conversations from escalating
- Maintain boundaries while still being respectful
- Keep the focus on the present, not the past
- Avoid emotional bait and stay out of unproductive back-and-forths
- Protect your peace, especially when children are involved
What a BIFF Response Looks Like
Let’s say you receive a message that’s accusatory or emotionally charged. Your instinct might be to defend yourself, explain your side, or fire back with a similarly harsh tone.
A BIFF response does the opposite:
- Brief – Keep it short. Long responses invite more conflict.
- Informative – Share the relevant facts, not opinions or emotions.
- Friendly – Use a polite, non-hostile tone. You don’t have to be cheerful—just respectful.
- Firm – Be clear and direct about boundaries or decisions. Don’t overexplain or justify.
Example: “I’ll pick up the kids at 5 p.m. as planned. Let me know if there’s a change in schedule. Thanks.”
This response doesn’t take the bait. It keeps things focused, neutral, and clear—while shutting down any room for escalation.
Learning the Skill Takes Practice
BIFF responses don’t come naturally at first—especially if you’re used to defending yourself or trying to keep the peace by over-explaining. But with practice, they become a tool you can rely on to protect your energy and preserve your co-parenting relationship—or at least, reduce the chaos.
You don’t have to agree with the other person. You don’t even have to like them. But with BIFF, you can communicate in a way that centers your well-being and the well-being of your children.
And that’s what really matters.
Your partner in peace of mind,
Nonie
This material is intended for educational purposes only and does not create an attorney-client relationship or constitute legal advice.
